Disclaimer: The following prose is a piece of fictional non-fiction. Any similarity to persons living, dead, stupid, or people I work with is purely coincidental. Or not. Names have been changed to protect the intelligent and the stupid.
It was one of those days. It was one of those days when I'm really jealous of all of the stay at home moms and dads out there. It was one of those days when I wished I would just win the lottery and I wouldn't have to deal with people like this.
There are basically three types of people at work: ILFs, NILFs, and ULFs (Intelligent Life Forms, Nearly Intelligent Life Forms, and Unintelligent Life Forms). Today I had to deal with an ULF. It takes a tremendous amount of energy to deal with an ULF. It just completely drains me. Below is my abridged portrayal of the string of emails exchanged today between myself and the ULF.
ULF: I need to know what X equals.
ME: It depends. There are two scenarios, Scenario A and Scenario B. If you need Scenario A then X = 1. If you need Scenario B then X=2. Attached you will find the supporting documentation for each scenario.
ULF: I'm not sure what I need. My NILF (her boss) says I need X for where (ULF goes on to describe Scenario B).
ME: Then X=2. Attached (again) is the supporting documentation for Scenario B.
ULF: My NILF says that an ILF told him that X=1. Can you check with the ILF and confirm?
ME: I checked with the ILF (he works 10 feet away from me). He had said X=1 because he gave your NILF information for Scenario A. X still equals 2 for what you need, Scenario B. Attached (even again) is supporting documentation for Scenario B.
ULF: Should X be different for Scenario A and Scenario B?
I haven't responded to this one yet.
This is where Sock Puppet Theatre comes in. When you can't explain a simple concept in simple terms t, and drawing a picture or pictures won't do, it's time for Sock Puppet Theatre. All it takes is a couple of socks and a couple of hands (some buttons are needed for the eyes if you want to go all out and have a first class performance). In this situation, one sock must act as the narrator and the other as "X". The narrating sock would explain each scenario to the ULF, while the "X" sock would tell the ULF what it equals under each scenario. In the final dramatic scene, in a major plot twist, X would tell the ULF that it equals 2!
I even wrote a song for Sock Puppet Theatre. I would've put it here, but it's a little mean and I'm not that kind of a person.
Now I feel better. I've let it all out. I wouldn't have gone overboard if this had been the first time I had dealt with this particular ULF, but it wasn't. And this person is not the only ULF I deal with. Unfortunately, I think the ULFs are breeding at rapid pace. Possibly even taking over; maybe that's why Western society is said to be in decay.
I will most likely remove this post in the next few days. I don't believe anyone of importance at work would see this or even know who is being discussed here, but just in case I will purge it. I really do like my job. Most of the people I deal with are actually ILFs and not ULFs.
